I have an eating fetish. Well I wouldn’t go so far as to call it a fetish, but I do like to snack in the sack. Sandwiches are one of my favourite things to eat, and I would love to spread more than just legs in the bedroom (if you know what I mean), but this doesn’t go over so well with the ladies. I’m sick of traditional romantic foods like strawberries dipped in chocolate or whipped cream which excludes the sexy (albeit messy) sandwiches I fantasize about. Where can a guy find a gal that shares his love for deli meats under the sheets?
-Kicked Outta Bed for Crumbs
Dear Crumbs,
Sandwiches in the bedroom isn’t a fetish—it’s just good sense! Things that are delicious are inherently sexy, and I personally can’t think of anything more seductive than a Monte Cristo under the covers, these girls must be crazy! Who needs them! But apparently you still want them, so here’s what you do with: start with a food that’s a compromise between your dream food and those tried-and-true desert-like romantic foods…the ice cream sandwich! Then slowly but surely start introducing more savoury elements into your romantic adventures until one day…voila! The girl is begging for more of your baguette. Or there’s always craigslist.
In this ongoing section we will open discussion for one of the foremost dilemmas of our time: Is it a sandwich, or not? Us modern eaters are faced with many options for portable eating, inviting the question of whether a particular item qualifies as sandwich or not. In this section we’ll focus on one candidate for sandwich qualification, and open up the debate to outside experts (ie, sandwich lovers).
Some people are traditionalists. For these hard-core purists, a sandwich needs two slices of bread (unless it’s open-faced, or one of those crazy multi-bread slice towers that are impossible for a normal-jawed person to eat), and some sort of vegetable, protein or condiment filling.
For others, a sandwich is less a rigidly-defined food item and more of a state of mind. If it’s portable, and there is some sort of starch/filling combination present, these people will deem it a sandwich. This allows for a much wider, and – dare I say – ethnically diverse, sandwich spectrum. Is this sacrilige, or a welcome wave of inclusivity? There’s no right answer, but it’s worth serious consideration.
Look to this space in the future for such sandwich pretenders as the taco, the wrap, and…the rice ball? In the meantime, tell us: What does a sandwich mean to you?
Asher Roth is the suburban schoolboy rapper whose catchy “I Love College” track is probably being played at a shitty frat party as we speak. Too bad for him the comedic stylings of Mike Duffy and his band, known collectively as YOU SUCK make Roth look like a poor man’s Langdon Auger. Their new track “I Love Delis” is the best sandwich-related song since “Endless Love”.
I’ve been dating this girl for a year now, and things are going perfectly. We don’t fight, we have similar interests, and I could really see us having a future together. Except we butt heads when it comes to eating habits. I’m pretty much a carnivore and nothing gets me off more than a monstrous meat-packed manwich, but she’s vegan and has a gluten allergy so we don’t enjoy the same foods. She doesn’t push her beliefs on me, but every time I bite in to a juicy footlong she cringes or glares at me like I personally slaughtered the cow I’m eating. Some chicks get on their boyfriends for smoking and drinking too much, neither of which are hobbies of mine, but I now feel guilty every time I bite into one of my all-time favourite snack foods, and I’m starting to resent her for the passive aggressive sandwich stance. What should I do to prevent this issue from driving a wedge between us oh wise and powerful sandwich soothsayer?
-Shakin’ for Bacon.
Dear Shakin’
I don’t care how much you love this gluten-free gal, you should know yourself well enough to know that you will always love meaty sandwiches more. However, if you are determined to make it work with your vegan vixen, remember that relationships are like a sandwich—a delicate layer of contrasting flavours, each one adding an inextricably important nuance. It’s okay for you to have this one difference. I recommend that you talk to her about how much the sandwich means to you, introduce her slowly to beauty of the sandwich, and if she’s really a keeper, she’ll come around and maybe learn to create some dubious form of gluten-free sandwich that you can enjoy together. Gross.
-BTB.
Dear Between the Buns,
At my office there is a shared lunchroom for all the employees, complete with a microwave, coffee machine, and of course a refrigerator to store all our goodies and snacks. Last week, when I went to the fridge, I discovered a bandit made off with my cheese bun. And on Monday I was starving come lunchtime, only to find that again some sticky-fingered sandwich stealer had made off with my roast turkey on whole grain. I’m not exactly the most popular gal at the office already (upper middle management) and I don’t want to come across as neurotic, but I also can’t deal with my food constantly being stolen. What can I do?
-Hungry in Human Resources
Dear Hungry,
Stranding someone at lunchtime by stealing their sandwich is a serious office offense, you must take quick action to catch the perpetrator (s) before the problem spirals out of control and there is lunchtime anarchy in your fridge. Many people in this situation might respond by labelling their food with “do not eat!!!” or “my sandwich : ) please be considerate!!” or something equally ineffective. Clearly what you need to do is try and track the sandwich-stealer the next time it happens and publicly shame them by catching them in the act (this is remarkably easy given the trail of crumbs and lettuce most sandwich stealers leave behind them, much like the fairytale about the gingerbread house.) If that fails you must move on to more serious action like setting a decoy sandwich with a finger-trap attached in the fridge or installing a camera in the lunchroom. Or you could just go out for lunch.
-BTB.
If there’s one thing that Mr. BLT can’t stand (besides fools) it’s a hangover. But now I can combine my debilitating alcoholism with my unnatural love for bacon sandwiches.
A report done by Newcastle University’s Centre for Life revealed that eating a bacon sandwich the morning after a night of heavy drinking will cure the nasty side effects caused by a few too many apple dacquiris.
The lead researcher, Erin Roberts, was quoted in the British publication Daily Mirror, saying, “Bread is high in carbohydrates and bacon is full of protein, which breaks down into amino acids. Your body needs these amino acids, so eating them will make you feel good.” She added, “Bingeing on alcohol depletes neurotransmitters too, but bacon contains a high level of aminos which tops these up, giving you a clearer head.”
Now if I could only get bubblegum ice cream to cure the headache I always get after smoking crack, my life’s work will be complete.
People always assume that it was I, John Montagu, the 4th the Earl of Sandwich that invented everybody’s favourite midnight snack. Which is fine, I don’t have any qualms about receiving the majority of the commendation for what is possibly the greatest discovery in the history of the universe. But in reality, it was that nosy bastard Edward Gibbon who coined the term for sandwich. He makes reference to it in one of this journal entries where he writes about the cold meats wrapped in bread that I would eat so as to avoid getting my hands greasy during marathon cribbage sessions. Even further back before me there are references to Hillel the Elder wrapping lamb in Matzoh for a snack on Passover, and the brilliant English naturalist John Ray’s descriptions of beef and butter served on bread in Holland during the 17th century. But neither man named the item. Perhaps if I were alive in modern times I could use my famous moniker to garner international acclaim. I could bring back the powdered wig. Alas, much like Kurt Cobain, my work became far more appreciated after my death.
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